a medley of things...complications? or is it just change?

an old beer brewery in tucson...kinda a cool place to look at...

Friday, November 7, 2008

a medley of things...complications? or is it just change?

things for me lately have been well over the boundaries of complicated,
including, but not exclusive to extreme awkwardness! (jk), anger, disbelief, reluctancy, fear, caution, overwhelming situations, appreciation, discerning, care, compassion, praise, and faith…

im not sure what going to happen now, but i hope it all works out,

god deals within our lives, and i have recently accepted the fact that i need, with the upmost dignity, to trust in him…

this is kind of a change for me,
i mean, i have my faith...but i had not, before this,
committed myself to god,

and now in doing so, i have felt a lil better about things that have happened this year, regardless of the outcome....

i do hope certain things do get better and change, but not too much,

i want to grow in my faith, and still keep my composure as well…
it’s going to take some adjusting to, but i know i can do it,

i know that god will lead me to do whatever i need to with my life,
so i am hopeful for the future,

Monday, November 3, 2008

stress....stress....stress....

stress is something i’ve come accustomed to these last few weeks,
and my outlets to relieve stress have become, i guess somewhat complicated to say the least. it sucks, and i’ve been feeling like crap because of it…
its not something i like dealing with, so i’m hoping, and praying it’ll get better, because it has too, really it does.

i hate this because it’s testing who i am, or really, who i’ve become these last few years. i’ve stopped doing the reckless things i used to do, and picked up more “constructive” hobbies, but it all reverts back to test me again.

i’ve stayed clean for a while now, almost a year, and i hope to keep it that way.
drugs, alcohol are not ways to let things go, i’ve been there, done that....

i have to trust life and whatever it may bring.
but, i need to seek some help, because i need to get things done right this time, and not just idle by. i’ve seen what that does to people.

my head just works a lil differently than most. i’m complicated, to say the least, and i don’t really trust people at this point cause it always come back to me in the wrong ways....i need to figure out who i am.

undecided, but with the intent to disarm mediocrity

for some time now i’ve been thinking about what i should do, where i should go, and what my life will be like after i’m all settled in, and what i realized is that it scares me....

i am an undetermined, self motivator, with no way, or insight, yet i believe in what i think, and yet i know nothing....

maybe it’s an oxymoron, but still, i can dream right?

these things that seem to get to me are things that are in my past, still shaken by any real thought of what can happen in life, whether i see myself in others or not

i see how people can change, and how life can effect those changes

some become more self-righteous, and believe that just because they have some incline on life, whether good or bad they are an expert....is that fair?

prejudgment on the basis that they might turn out like you?

“hypocrisy, thy name in you”...i guess that’s how i see it

i don’t know what i want to do, but i don’t think i have to decide anytime soon

my passions i hold in, because, what if i were to throw my whole being into them and fail? would they all be right then? would that be enough justification to say....“i told ya so”?

maybe,

i don’t want to settle for anything less than what i’m capable of...but it seems to me that at any single point i attain some type of greatness, i become frail...my moral stature seems to crumble at the first gesture of self absorbency

i seem to have this self destructive personality, like the whole “one step forward and two steps back” deal in which i can’t seem to step out of, and it scares me…

i think it’s time for me to take a chance, and to just go for it....i need to find a way, and find some sense of belonging…

i hope, and pray that this will happen, i just have to keep going forward, and believe, and hopefully my future will shape into what i want it to be

i just have to make it happen....

this is what "living" means to me

“happiness is only real when shared” and that life was given to us to “aim above morality; not just to be simply good, but to be good for something.” so do good in life and live for experience. our soul’s own growth is based on what we do. so for us to live well and to give love allows our spirits to grow and to be happy. it’s simple really.

live and let love. it’s something we’ve all probably heard, but it’s not something we’ve really done a lot. so lets try and be discerning, and help everyone in times of hardships, cause in the end, it’s all going to be on us. what did we do to help someone in need? what did we do to deserve happiness? did we share? or rather, did we take part in what would simply be called “living just to live.”

i’ve realized that what we do has more of an impact on people than what we can see with our own eyes, and insight. we may have lived a certain part of life, be we can’t be so arrogant that we’ve been blinded by our experiences, because in whole that defeats the purpose of living. life, like i said is about growth. we have to grow, and we have to be passive about our insight. we may know a lot from experience, but we have to allow for new experiences to come in, and reshape our mind.

give yourself to the world to shape, and share your knowledge of happiness with it. share your drive for morality, and your insight of helping others. share what it truly means to live; because once you’ve done so, and you see the change in someone’s life, you’ll want to keep on giving…

things seem to be working out! i'm happy : )

so, my court date was rescheduled to this monday,
meaning that i’m able take care of everything before i leave to NC next saturday,
which is a lil more than a week away, gosh, thats soon...lol,

well, i’m hoping the weather is nice up there,
it seems like a really cool place,
i hope to make a few friends,
and enjoy my stay,

i’ll be working, recording, and playing shows,
i’m hoping things go we’ll with that,
so i can drop some new music onto myspace when i get back,
i’m also going to be working as hard as i can so i can pay for school,

i’m also having high hopes for this fall semester,
hopefully, i can stick to my commitments,
i’ve chosen a nice set of classes,
and im challenging myself,
taking harder classes, unlike this last semester,

i’m trying to finish some “unresolved issues” with my “friends” here in town,
so hopefully, they can survive a few months without killing each other,
and get things going, i’m hoping for the best for them,

what i’ve learned this past week just doing buggerol,
is that life is WAY complicated,
and it’s NOT the easy routes that get you anywhere,
rather, it’s the hardships that get you places,
and hopefully, places that you wanna go,

life may get you mad, but it’s what you do when you mad, or frustrated,
that defines who you are as a person,
in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count,
rather it’s the life in those years that makes you who you are,
because life is just a chance to make the soul grow,
so you have to see how much you can learn with every opportunity!

some people just naturally suck, i dont like these people too much....such is life

some people just are like, argh, you just dont wanna be around them,
but i can deal with that,

and it seems that these people tend to make life exponentially harder,
i can deal with that too as well,

but its the mix of these types of people in greater numbers, thats get to me,
its seems like there all around me,

gosh, i wish i didnt have to deal with em,
i hear there issues, and i tell em what to do about it,
and they keep coming back, over and over again,
i have problems of my own that i need to deal with,
and it seems ive become there homage for there issues,

so what seemed to be a simple case of me dealing with my own issues,
has become much, much more,

i have to worry about if this person is going to sign up for classes on time,
or if this person is going to remember to pay there bills,
or if this person is depressed or not, and the list goes on and on,

its an emotional roller-coaster,
dealing with these “high maintenance” friends of mine,

geesh, i would like a break, buts its not me to do so,
i have to help em, i care, maybe a lil too much,
but i hate seeing people down,

but i know its gotten to me lately,
ive been kinda a jerk to people these last few days,

and even my doctor told me that me getting sick,
is due to stress, lol, stress?? a sickness?? who wouldve guessed it,

its interesting, cause stress, is something i thought i could handle,
i mean, it does make me somewhat a recluse if im dealing with it chronically,

so i can understand, but i figured its passive,
there are a few of my friends that i can talk to and be myself,
so its nice to vent to them, but i dont talk to them enough it seems,

see i lose close friends easily from distancing myself from them,
and i dont like making new close friends,
because of the whole bonding part,
i have proximity issues, lol, its just me though,

well, i donno what to do, but i guess itll all play out,
for now, ill pray about it, and hope for the best,
not just for me, but for everyone im trying to help,
god has his plans, and ill just have to trust in him,

i can only do so much while im here though,
im gone in another week and a half,
so lets see what i can get done here till then....
i guess i should get started

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